Which is it?
1:48 a.m.

So it's come to this again. Once more, I stay up all hours of the night, only to end it by writing another sappy letter to you. You, who will never read this, who will never know that it exists.

So what is it about you that won't let me let go? Is it the way you say my name? Or the way your face lights up when you see me? Could it be the way you sometimes act as if I'm the only person you can see? Or maybe it's the way you go out of your way to do little thoughtful things that make me smile? Or how about the way you let me trace patterns on your back with my fingers; the way you let me play with your hair; the way you let me touch the freckles on your face.

And what is it about you that drives me crazy? Is it that you refuse to acknowledge that we have a connection beyond friendship? Is it the fact that you and I complete each other so perfectly, but you won't admit it? What about how you make promises that you don't keep? Is it how you always go for the anorexic-looking, stuck-up mean girls who treat you like crap? I know! Maybe it's how you avoid talking about ANYTHING that even slightly has to do with emotion. Or maybe the fact that you like to pretend I'm just one of the guys?

Newsflash, Kevin Kajer: I'm not just one of the guys. I'm a girl. A girly girly girl. I like mushy stuff and spending time alone with you. Don't get me wrong, I love your friends to pieces and some of them I've known all my life, but what happened to the you and me time that we used to share? When did things get so casual between us? When did I turn into just another one of your friends as opposed to what I used to be?

I bombard you with questions that will never be answered because they will never be read. I sacrifice a part of myself every day for our friendship, pretending that I don't love you. Every day I ask myself, "How can I keep my mind off of him today?" And every time we see each other, I find a new way to avoid thinking of you.

I don't know when it escalated to this point. But I let it. And now every time I smell someone wearing Axe I think of you. And every time I hear a certain song, it makes me smile. And every single damn time my cell phone rings with "Remember When" I break speed records to get to it because I know it's you calling.

I feel like my feelings alone should be strong enough for the both of us, even though I know they are not. Part of me keeps hoping that one day your eyes will open and you will realize that the girl you've been waiting for all your life has been right there beside you all this time, holding your hand as you looked outwards instead of to her.

Part of me is ready to move on. Forever. Part of me wants to sever all ties with you the minute I graduate. Go off to college. Move to another state. Never talk to you or think about you again. Part of me wants you out of my life so I can be me again. So I can go back to who I was 4 years ago and get to re-live my high school days, sans you. So I can spend lost time having fun instead of worrying about you. So I can move on.

I need to move on.

-Rach

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