I can't let you know how much I'm hurting
9:46 a.m.

Yeah, I understand that you are totally stressed out, herpetetic, angry with Alex, saddened by the episode with the dog. I can't be pissed at you. I know that you don't mean for this to affect our relationship. I know that my stomach in knots is 1/100th of 1 percent of what you are going through. And I know that my dealings with Alex are minor compared to yours.

But I still feel resentful.

Sure, I should feel grateful that I am with you, and that you are paying the bills while I pay down my debt. And don't get me wrong. I am grateful. And you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But I'm still resentful. I'm resentful that you are dragging me through this shit with Alex. She's your ex, not mine. And I am resentful that you are making me deal with all this stress alone.

I know that you withdraw when you are stressed - you told me that a long time ago. I just feel used. I feel that you wanted me partially because of the house, and now I'm being punished because I can't rescue you. And let's face it, you are pissed at me because I haven't been able to make this deal easier for you. And really, I'm sorry that I couldn't make it any easier. I'll be out of debt when we refinance the sucker. But it kills me that I can't help you now. And because I can't help you, you are pulling away from me.

And that kills me. You are pulling away hard. I hope to hell our relationship survives this. The sad thing is that it is my fault, really. I KNOW that you pull away, and yet I let it hurt me anyway.

I respond by isolating myself. And so I sit here in the kitchen, crying, hoping that you don't know, because I know that it would only make you pull away more. I've already hurt you by failing you with the house, and I'll just hurt you more if you know how really stressed I am. I can't do it.

I am at the point that I'd love to walk away from this whole mess with Alex and the house. Except that it would mean walking away from you. And I can't do that. So I'll endure. Somehow.

I just hope to hell that I am woman enough to survive this. I hope to hell that I am woman enough to survive you.

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