Something To Believe In
1:47 p.m.

Dear Fate;

Dear God;

Dear Master Spirits;

Dear Higher Power;

To whom it may concern;

Alright, you've gotta help me out here. Call me stupid, but I just can't figure this out on my own. I suspect I'll be in the limbo between belief and doubt for the rest of my life. Maybe you don't exist and all my thinking about it is just a waste of time. Maybe you do exist and have been trying to tell me all along.

I imagine that if you do exist you're probably bashing your head against the wall in frustration. Am I right? Or do you exist and are just ignoring me? Or am I writing a letter to no one and nothing?

If you are trying to tell me something, I'm afraid you're going to have to be more obvious about it. Because, see, I don't know how to translate what you're telling me into a language I understand. I know some people that are capable of doing this, but I'm not. I'm not a spiritual person, much as I would like to be. I'm just too skeptical. I need proof.

Actually, I think I'm just reading too deeply into it. Now that I'm thinking about it, it doesn't even seem coincidental. There was no message, just...

Goddammit, I don't know. I need something concrete. So I heard my favorite song in the least-expected place. Now I'm trying to assign a reason to it. A year ago I would've just been glad to hear a good song in amongst the trash. The same way I heard it the first time...

There I go again. Why can't I just accept it? What the hell is wrong with me?

Even if it was something I was supposed to pay attention to, what part should I think about? The fact that I heard my favorite song at a particular moment, or the lyrics of said song? It's an important distinction.

I'm being too overanalytical, I know. Another way that I'm like Terry. But I want to be sure. I want to know. I'm tired of the limbo. It would be easier to just not believe it. To just accept that I'm just a complex heap of cells moving around through life and when it's over I'll simply cease to be conscious.

But dammit I can't.

So I guess what I really want is something... something a little more convincing than a modern rock song playing on a modern rock station at a not-so-crucial moment and a dream about nuclear holocaust immediately after listening to a song about nuclear holocaust.

...

You know what? Never mind. Forget I asked. I'm sorry for taking up your time.

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