Bent
10:06 a.m.

Dave,

I may someday get up the balls to actually talk to you about this. As if it were something that should take courage to talk about. Hell, all it's about is... well, I guess it is kind of complex, but anyway, one of my biggest character flaws is my inability to approach people with anything. And I know you've got enough to do without having to listen to me wonder out loud where the hell my life is going. You're my teacher, not my shrink.

But I really want to know what you think. What you think I should do, what path you think I should take. You would certainly know better than I would. I want to know what you think about my work, whether you think it's good enough or should be better. If you think I have any hope in hell of amounting to anything.

I want to tell you how important this is to me, and how hard I'm working for it. I know you know to a degree, but I don't think you've got the whole picture. I want to tell you how much I really love learning about this stuff, and that studying for five hours a day isn't hard because I enjoy it. I want you to know how much it frustrates me that even with studying five hours a day I still can't manage to ace the goddamn tests.

But there are some things that I couldn't tell you, even if I did get up the guts to talk to you. Like the fact that I've been known to skip meals because I was studying. Sometimes often. It got really bad for a little while; I was living off a handful of Cheez-Its every few hours and nothing else. That lasted for almost a week, until I started wondering why the simple act of walking down the hall made me light-headed. I'm better about it now; I figure I'm not going to get very far if I starve myself to death before I'm even out of college, no matter how well I know the stuff. But at the same time, when I go to eat I still feel like I'm wasting time that should be used for studying.

Even though I couldn't tell you that, though, I probably will someday wander into your office like some lost little kid looking for reassurances. And though I need you to be completely honest with me, I also need you to tell me that I'm going to be alright and that I'm going the right way. Because if you don't I'm going to wander out more lost than I was when I wandered in.

~Steph

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