Confused
1:48 a.m.

Dear Elf,

Where do I start? I could start off by saying I love you. But you know that. You started this whole thing and you have...temporarily ended it I guess. I feel horrible. I'm starting to feel that loving me changes people for the worse. They either get confused, turn into assholes or just disappear. That scares me.

I've never had this type of reaction with anyone or anything before - ever. The numbness thing has never occured, nor this bad of a depression and especially not all this anxiety.

I don't even know how you are for the most part. I hear you're driving around and around. I'm sorry if I changed you - but if you're depressed, why are you always holding it in?

Goddamit, I love you Nathan. Everyone's telling me "You'll get over him." Andrew hit below the belt the day after you came over to talk. I've been wishing myself into non-existance because I don't even have you in my life anymore.

Sunil told me to think positive thoughts. I'm positive I miss you and I love you. I don't care if we ever get married or have kids or anything. Just stay in my life. I don't care if you ever get me expensive gifts - I only get them for you (and everyone) because that's who I am. All I want is you in my life. But I feel like I'm not going to get that. Because life's not fair and especially not mine. No one holds me like you can and nobody can make me laugh like you can. I can't make you want me back though - I can't "unconfuse" you.

But I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

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