disgrace?
10:35 p.m.

(taken from an email i almost sent)

there is no point whatsoever in typing this email. none at all. cuz im not gonna send it. see, i knew you were going to do that. i knew you were gonna end up hating me or whatever. ok, so hate is a strong word. i knew you were gonna leave me in the fucking dust just like colin did. gee i love you guys so much. =) ok, that's a lie. but really. what the hell is your problem. you're one fucking shallow dick of a guy if you dont like me anymore just cuz i wont fucking put out or whatever. honestly you need a brain transplant or something because that's just about the stupidest thing i've ever heard. why did i believe you? why did i believe a single word you said? oh right, i didnt. sure you wanted to call me. that's a load of crap. sure you "love" me, sure you "want" me, sure you "care" about me...that's just a bunch of horse shit. you're a fucking spineless dick if you cant just out right tell me that you dont give a rats ass about me and all you wanted was to lead me on and see how far you could get me. apparently, you got me far. i dont know how. i dont know why. but you did. you're horrible. or i'm horrible. cuz i havent told you something that you should know but even if you are being an evil bitch to me, i still wont tell you. and i dont know why. i wish i knew. we're both horrible.

how could you do this? after we talk for a million hours and tell each other all this stuff, you just go and trash me like that. what the hell is wrong with you? maybe it was just today that you're actually not talking to me but what of last night? when you told me bout that...thing and how i thought i didnt know what it was and i told you i didnt do that sort of stuff...all of a sudden YOU DONT LIKE ME?! what the fuck kind of crap is THAT? you need a reality check. you want to marry a canadian? well if you ever do marry i bet you wont even love that girl. you'll just want some. and sure that's normal but the whole fucking point of marrying is out of LOVE and not in the God damn physical way. ok. so i know you'll love the girl. but still. God, i know you're horny, but was that the only reason you said all of that shit? to get me "turned on" and maybe when you come up here you could go and fuck me or whatever? ya, right. i dont think that, really. but the way you're talking to me now doesnt exactly show anything different. i miss talking to you. was it just your friend? was that why you werent talking to me and you didnt give a rats ass about me? or have your "feelings" or whatever they were suddenly changed just like that? IM SICK OF BEING ASKED WHY I DONT PUT OUT. just cuz im a goody goody or whatever has nothing to do with it. it's called SELF RESPECT. i dont like doing those sort of things and you'll just have to fucking DEAL with it. i wondered why you "liked" me. and it turns out you didnt. did you? you just wanted to see if you could convert me from a goody goody to someone who would give you some. I'M FOURTEEN. i'd rather not ok? i thought you were nice. i thought you would like me for me, but that's not true. is it? i dont put out, im such a disgrace to female kind. FUCK YOU. putting out has nothing to do with anyone's relationship, and i wish you and i had never met so i wouldnt be so fucked up over this situation. why do i even care? i've known you for a month. you should be easy to dispose of, like lint. just a flick and you're out there. but no. you're not easy to dispose of, you're not easy to forget about. i even think of you when i see God damn cereal commercials!!! i need you out of my life. i wish you would just tell me how you really feel so i could get over this and move on with my life. so i could stop "missing" you and wanting to talk to you. talking to you being a charming fake is better than not talking to you at all. but you weren't charming today. you were a pile of shit that needed to be disposed of. or at least you acted like it. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU REALLY LIKE?! just once, ok? just once i'd like some fucking honesty. but i guess im just so God damn naive that no one will give me honesty.

they just give me nothing.

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