My heart flipped

James,

I saw you today and my heart flipped. It's not meant to do that. I'm over you. I really am. I'm with someone who loves me and respects me and doesn't feed me an awful lot of garbage about his issues. Yes, we have problems, but we can discuss them like adults. You and I never really talked. I was just the mistake who reappeared.

I should never have come to this place, as I'll never be able to escape you here. But if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have him. Can't you leave? Or just don't let me see you? I think I'm only over you when you are not real to me. I don't think I still love you, but I have this primitive gut reaction.

The reaction that would have me lie down and die for you, at least for a second before realising you were not worthy of that sacrifice. James, your smell as you went by me hit me, so lightly and stirred dimly remembered moments of my heart punding, my blood rushing, my body falling as I loved you.

I will not remember for it has already driven me insane once. I will not go insane again. I must ignore you, ignore your existence, for to do otherwise will destroy me.

I loved you. You were my first love. First loves are stronger than steel, and harder than diamonds, but this first love is no more than a breeze that floated over me and shall go away when I see my true love later.

I can't hate you, I can't like you, all I can feel is I once loved you. I don't like that reminder. I wish you weren't that reminder. You drove me mad, you left me time and again, but for one summer you were mine.

I toast that summer, and let it go. I hold instead this winter close to me. The winter where I loved one who loved me, and forgot you for a while. Now I have been reminded but you lose. And he wins me, all of me, for I won't let you keep even the tiny piece of my heart I once reserved for you.

I am stronger than instinct, and my love for him is stronger than my vestiges of feeling for you.

I let you go, will you free me to go myself?

Bittersweet memories, bruises that won't heal, and farewell, what once was,

Susanna

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