Held in / locked down.
9:55 a.m.

I'm hurting, but it's my own fault, I know. I let myself believe there might be a chance, might be something.. but I was wrong. Have you ever believed in something so badly, wanted it so much that you were right on the verge of asking for it, when suddenly it disappeared? I have. That's what you are, to me.

I'm angry, but mostly at myself. I let you make me *hope*, and I haven't in so long. And no, I wasn't attracted to the idea of you, as you probably think. It was more than that. I thought I'd found a tiny spark of something special, so delicate and fragile that instead of hugging it close, I held it carefully inside my cupped hands.

But when I opened them to look again, it was gone, no matter how hard I looked for it. Now I'm starting to wonder whether it was really there at all. So, I suppose what this is all about is this - I can't be your friend. I can't laugh at your crazy exploits, and smile when I hear you talk about this or that girl. That probably makes me a bad person, but I'm just not good at pretense. Never have been.

Maybe I'll see you around, and I'll say hi, but I can promise you that I won't ever talk about this. I'll wonder how you're doing, whether you're happy or sad, whether you're sitting in a corner or dancing in a crowd. And maybe sometimes I'll even fool myself that you're wondering the same things about me. But wherever you are, whatever and whoever you're doing, I hope that you've found what you were looking for.

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