How this will be
10:39 p.m.

D

I have written so much to you in this diary I can't even remember all the times I did it. But I need someplace to just talk about you without fear of judgement.

Sometimes I am ecstatic because of you, sometimes I'm so pissed I can't see straight.

You and I, we're on a roller coaster, that's for sure. When I'm with you, things are either incredibly wonderful or incredibly horrible. I never cried as much in front of anyone as I have in front of you. Usually it's because of you, too. But then you lift my spirits and make me believe that I am beautiful and loved and wanted and capable of anything. So I don't really know where that leaves me, or us.

You are so selfish sometimes, it makes me want to tear my hair out. You claim to always be short on cash, but you always have the latest video game or DVD you want. You say I'm all you need, but that doesn't ring true. You seem to need all your little toys, too.

I'm mostly scared about what your future will be. It's just... blank. A question mark. You're not in school, you don't want to be in school... you're nearly 20 and still working a shitty minimum wage job. You're so smart, but you have zero motivation. How am I supposed to be able to accept that? I want to be with you, but I don't want to support you for the rest of my life.

I guess I just don't feel confident that you'll be there for me when I need you, how I need you. Your mere presence isn't enough. I need a real man, someone who can take care of me instead of needing care. Not that I don't want to care for you... I just want my share, too.

I don't think I'm asking too much. I guess time will tell how this pans out.

<< - >>