inspiration
12:26 p.m.

You -

I felt terrible, last night, when I went to bed, in the throes of despair. I was listening to The Valley Song by Jars of Clay as I went to sleep, and I pressed my face into my pillow, and listened to the lines - "So we wait for a rescue, with our eyes tightly shut. Face to the ground, using our hands to cover the fatal cut. And though the pain is an ocean, tossing us around, around, around, You have calmed greater waters, and higher mountains have come down." And all I could think about was the dull ache in me that misses God. Misses fellowship with him, misses entering into his throneroom everyday and converses with him, misses giving my decisions up, giving my hostility and my stubbornness and just letting him take control. And it's all because of you.

All because of seeing you standing there, raising your hands to God in supplication, begging for him to touch you - all because of your stupid little skit, because of every move you make, every breath that you take, showing me how in love with God you are. My sleep was restless, because I looked at you and then I looked at myself and I realized for the first time in a year exactly what was wrong with me: why I'm so empty feeling, why I have trouble sleeping at night, why I smile on the outside but have a deeply unsettled feeling within. It's because I'm missing what you have, and I am very jealous.

I just want to let you know that I am working on it. You don't even know me, you don't know my struggles, but I've been watching you for a long time, wishing that I could be like you - wishing that I could work things out. Wishing that something could change in this rut that I am stuck in. I hope to meet you someday soon, properly introduce myself and make myself known.. and then maybe after we've known one another for some time, I can tell you what an impact you've made on me.

-Amanda

Face to the ground, using my hands to cover the fatal cut.

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