Creative Cork
9:16 p.m.

J -

I orginally wrote this for some dumb Artist's Way exercise, long since trashed. But, obviously, that excercise wasn't cathartic enough. I still harbor some odd, in the back of my mind (sometimes in the front of my mind) hatred for you.

At times you have been a cork -- stopping, stifling any spark of creativity I had, keeping it bottled inside of me. Whenever I would attempt something creative, there was always something wrong with it. "it's too busy" "too" something. It wasn't the words you used. But the underlying message in your gestures and tone of voice that nothing would ever be good enough and that I am stupid for even trying.

Yes, of course, I accept the responsibility of of my reaction to your negativity. But, I think that you don't even see how negative you are. I think you envision yourself as a "teacher" and a "leader". That you are somehow helping.

But, look around. Do you see faithful and thankful followers? Or do you see people who are intimidated by your power? When those that have worked with you get together, the conversation inevitably turns to you. We all feel the same way. Belittled by your comments. Your uncanny ability to make strong men and women feel like inferior little shits. Thrown off by your generousity interlaced with your stinginess and unwillingness to be inconvenienced in the least. Show us one face and we'd be better prepared.

You are a lonely, sad woman. I can see this. Your family loves you but has a dificult time being with you. But, because of who you are, and how we have been "made" to feel, we (non-family members) don't want to help you. We take some kind of small joy seeing you, a financially successful hardened businesswoman, who has been cruel, suffer.

Sour grapes? Perhaps. No, definitely.

Now, this is starting to be funny to me. Too damn serious. But, look at yourself. Try to understand why your are lonely. Think about why, to your own teary admission, you feel like you don't have any "real friends". Don't always start a discussion thinking that you are right, queen of the mountain, and passive-agressively challenge your conversation partner to knock you off of your position.

Peace - J2

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