i'm so gone
9:24 p.m.

Sigh.

I'm smiling for the first time in a long time. Really smiling. I leave your presence smiling, always. Because someone cares in return this time.

There are so many more productive things I could and should be doing right now, but instead I'm sitting here waiting on the off chance that I'll get to talk to you- even though just a half an hour ago, I was hugging you.

I didn't mean to let you get to me. In fact, I was determined not to let you. I didn't want anyone too close anymore, and you were only a back up. I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't let you in---if I hadn't opened my mind somewhat to the possibility of you.

I feel like you really like me. Not just the physical me, not just how I look, but who I really am. You like my friends too, which in effect are a part of me. No one's ever been willing to know that part of me before, you're the first to make that effort.

I like the way you smell. I like the way your eyes light up when I surprise you. I like the way you look at me when you know you've done something nice. I like the way you deal with drama. I like the way I can tell you want to kiss me. I just like you. And I didn't even mean to.

I don't know what will do if this doesn't work out...well, actually I do. Probably the same things I've done all the other times when other people haven't worked out, pretend I don't care, but deep down, I'll be feeling it more. Because I let myself care, I let myself like you back, I let my guard down. Is it foolish to continue to do this? I swear, I was cautious this time...you don't even know how much I care yet because I'm afraid to let you know.

You got to me, kid. And I'm not even sure you fully understand how much quite yet. When will I let you know? Hopefully soon, when I'm absolutely sure you're not like the rest...and I'm hoping to God that you're not.

You're not, are you? Tell me you're not.

I'm just lost for you, I'm so gone.

Sigh.

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