I didn't want to
4:13 p.m.

Ben,

I didn't want it to happen. I didn't want to have sex with you. I was waiting for my next love. I've only been with Rick, and that's because I did and still do love him. I don't love you. I don't even think I like you as anything more than a friend. Whenever I kiss you, it's like I'm kissing my dog (as in I have no emotions towards you other than friendship).

I hate myself for not saying no. I hate myself for not stopping it sooner. I hate myself for letting you have me. You didn't even use protection. I can't afford to get pregnant. I don't want to get pregnant, especially from you.

Honestly, I never want to see you again. I want to wipe today from existence, but I can't. I don't know how to tell you all of this. I don't know how to tell you that I don't want to see you on Thursday. I've never been good at things like that. I always just run, but I don't know how to run from this situation.

I know you like me. I know that if I would've had the guts to say "no," for once in my life, that you would've stopped. Since I didn't... you didn't either. I wasn't a virgin, but yet you made me bleed. I have tears running down my face because I am so disgusted with myself. I hate that I don't know how to say no. Rick told me that I have to learn, and he was right. Rick told me to stay away from you just because he had a bad feeling even though he doesn't even know you, yet again he was right.

You have to know that I love Rick with all of my heart. I can't get him out of my head. I still see him a lot. We still make sweet passionate love to one another. We talk everyday, and if he gave me the chance I would get back together with him in a heartbeat. You could never be what he is to me, so it's not worth trying.

Well I have to go. I have to go turn some of this into a real letter/email that I can send you. I have to go shower in scalding hot water because I am so disgusted with myself.

Goodbye forever,
Lynnea

P.S. No one knows about this and I don't want anyone to, so please don't tell. Don't tell any of this. Don't even talk about it. I don't want to discuss this or explain this to anyone.

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