If you want me, don't let me know
4:33 p.m.

Rob,

Why can't I get you out of my head? I'm not free, I love someone else but you are intruding. I don't want you to talk to me any more, I don't want to sit with you in lectures, I don't want to be asked to go to the Refectory with you, because evey time these things happen, I'm a step closer to being unfaithful.

I believe in monogamy, I've found the man I want to marry. I don't want to be attracted to you this much, I've resisted others, but you are my friend as well as my temptation. So please understand when I seem to avoid you that I'm doing what I have to do for my future.

If I lose my boyfriend, I lose my sanity, my sanctuary, my security, my safety, my support. And I don't think you would even know how to begin to substitute. Deep down, I know you would only be a substitute, but I still can't get away from the thought of you.

It's like when I drink coffee instead of tea - I just want a change from what I always do, but I can't do that with my love, with my heart. Just stop being around me, stop flirting, stop letting me wonder what it would be like. Help me let go, be my friend, do what's best.

Let me stay where I am. I'd rather have my certain love than my uncertain desire, but I can't see it when you are in front of me, and I can't keep running to him to avoid the temptation of you.

I need you to be strong for me, as I'm not doing so well myself. If you want me, don't let me know. We are not meant to be.

Goodbye to this, and Rob, I have the potential to love you, but I'm already loving someone else, and I can't do both. And would you ever love me?

I thought not.

I'm sorry for getting our friendship so confused and having to abandon it, but there's nothing else I can do. Ever.

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