Letters from the soul
5:14 p.m.

To Whom it may Concern

Dear everybody,

Dear world

Dear nobody,

Dear.....Dear the people who are important in my life right now, and even the people who don't know me at all,

I am sorry for being so depressed all the time. I am sorry that I make fat jokes about myself and put myself down. I'm sorry that I don't eat lunch and make you think I'm starving myself. I am sorry that I have to apologize through an online letter and that I can't tell you this to your face.

And I can't seem to get my thoughts organized well enough to write this letter. I need this to be a letter to everybody in my life, but I also need it to be a letter to certain individuals. And I need this to be a letter to myself, explaining to me why I shouldn't hate myself. I also need this to be a letter to the whole world, maybe they can learn something from my stupidities, or my ramblings on about my life. So this is going to be a ton of letters in one, because if I wrote them all separately, I think I'd overload this wonderful site and drive everyone crazy by posting about 7 times in a half an hour. So here goes:

Dear GH,

I still think about you. Do you think about me? I still miss you. I still stare at you as you walk down the hallway with her, my ex-best friend, the girl who broke your heart. I still have dreams about you at night. I still wish that I could make you admit that you liked me. Everybody knew it but you refused to let yourself admit it. Part of me wants to beg you to love me, to apologize for breaking our friendship into pieces, and have everything return to the way I'm used to.

But the other part of me wants to sneer at you, turn the cold shoulder, hang up on you when you call me because you miss being my friend. Part of me wants to laugh at the time you almost came at my house really late at night just because you missed me so much and I refused to talk to you. How does it feel? How does it feel to be rejected by the person who you thought you were the closest to? Doesn't it just rip your little shallow heart out that the person you long to be close to is ignoring you like you don't matter? I hope it does. I hope it tears you apart. I hope it wakes you up in the middle of the night with a pang of guilt for treating me the way you did, leading me on, then rejecting me because I wasn't pretty enough. And if you don't feel guilty now, I hope you feel guilty when I find someone who REALLY loves me and you realize that we could have had something, something wonderful and you just threw it out the window.

I hope you're happy.

But most of all, I hope that when you get a girlfriend, when you get back together with her, like everybody knows you will, that she realizes what a lucky girl she is to have a guy like you to hold in her arms. I hope she treats you right, and I hope she gives you everything I could have given you plus more. I just hope you're happy.

~MG

Dear TB,

I'm sorry that I'm not popular like you. I'm sorry that I'm not skinny and pretty and athletic like you. I'm sorry I'm not a prep like you, even though you'd never in a million years admit it.

And you'd never admit that you were related to me, either. I just wish that you could slow down and stop trying to act older than me because you're not. You have your whole life in front of you to be mature, you have a great future in front of you, I just know it. I know you'll go far in life, if only you will stop treating people like they are all dirt under your shoe. You aren't better than anyone, I just wish I could make you see that.

I wish you wouldn't treat Mom and Dad like that, they are wonderful people. Our dad would do ANYTHING for us, and you know that. But still, you treat him like he's nothing. You can't walk all over people like that. I just wish that you could somehow read this so you could no that no matter how many times you call me fat, gay, retarded, or stupid, I love you. I don't care if you cringe when I say it, but I love you, little sister, and I always have and always will. I'm just waiting for the day when you love me too.

~GW

Dear LY,

I know that we are friends again, and I am so glad of that. I just wanted to apologize for screwing everything over so long ago. We used to be best friends. You were like my sister, I told you EVERYTHING.

But then we grew apart. You moved away. Granted, it was only the next town over, but we lost a closeness that we used to have when we stopped seeing each other every single day. And things just seemed to go downhill from there. I screwed everything up royally when I said we couldn't be friends anymore, and pretended like it didn't affect me at all. If you hadn't have tried so hard to salvage our friendship, we still might not be speaking. I know that things aren't back to the way they were in middle school, and they never will be. We will never share that closeness again. But I just want you to know that even though we aren't as close as we could be, I love you like a sister and I'll always be here for you. And I'll keep alive the memories of the way we used to be. Love always,

~RY

Dear NY,

I wish I knew how to start this letter. In previous years, I would start it with something like, "Hey girl, I love ya like a sister, best friends forever!" and then one of our silly inside jokes.

But we no longer share that childhood innocence that once bonded us together.

Born just a few weeks apart from each other, we grew up together. We knew everything about each other. Middle school was tough times; you were popular and I wasn't. So I started feeling left out. But you always always made time for me, and we spent oodles of time together. You and I always had a blast together, coming up with wacky and fun stuff to do, but also having long serious talks about life, God, boys, everything. We were each other's mentors. We helped each other grow up.

But then we got to high school, and you started growing up too fast for me. You were hanging with the popular crowd, doing things I'd never ever do. You broke up with your wonderful boyfriend, and him and I became friends. I liked him. I think that's where it all started, but I'm not completely sure.

Then came the name calling, the rumors, the confronting phone calls, the laughing at me behind my back and pretending to be my friend. You got close with my sister, she told you things about me that weren't true, and you believed her.

I was crushed. Where was the old you, where was my best friend, what had happened? My head spinned. You totally changed who you were. Maybe I changed too. I don't know. But somwhere down the line, you and I became total opposites, and enemies. Neither of us could stand each other. It was all so new to me. It was weird. I hated it.

Now that him and I aren't friends anymore, and you and he are getting close again, I see little glimpses of the old you coming back out. I see the friendly, fun, nice you. I see the good things that you used to be and the good things that you are becoming again.

But one thing is different. You no longer like me. I started to wonder if the ordeal that we went through was really strong enough to end a friendhip that close, but then I realized that we never WERE that close. Sure, we had our moments, moments where I felt like we were somehow connected and sisters separated at birth. But what outweighed those moments were the moments where I wanted to smack some sense into you, or yell at you because yet another person came up to me and asked me if the rumors you started were true. We were never close, you just were nice to me when you needed a friend. I'm sorry it had to be that way. I'm sorry I let it go on that long.

I'm sorry you were never my real friend.

But most of all I'm sorry that you are fooling other people with your kind act, knowing that you can do to them what you did to me and use them whenever it's convienent. I hope they wise up and learn your ways. I'm sorry.

~OM

Dear MS,

This could possibly be the most difficult letter that I have to write on here, since now I am going to admit some feelings that I almost wish I didn't have. This letter might not even make it into this entry just because if you read through this whole thing you could easily figure out who I am and who this letter is to.

But I guess that doesn't matter. I am writing a letter to you because I think I'm starting to fall in love with you, and that is most possibly the worst thing I could be doing right now. Things in our friendship are just now starting to become good again. And it's weird. My body goes through the motions of liking you. My heart goes through the motions of liking you. But I have somehow convinced my brains that I don't. I convinced myself that you are just a friend, just like I tell my diary and everyone who keeps pestering me. This letter is going to be short and to the point since I still have about 6 more to write. I'm sorry if I act weird around you. I'm sorry if I act like I like you. I know you don't like me back....well. Actually that's not true. I know that you DO like me back but want to stay friends.....I have my resources, ya know. *wink*

That's not the point. What I need for you to do right now is be a friend to me. That's it. I need you to ignore me when I flirt, ignore me when I drop hints, ignore me when I act like I like you. Ignore all of that and let me get myself sorted out. Please. Don't give up on our friendship like every guy in the past has done. Give me time. I'll sort things out and be ok in a little while. I wish I knew when, but unfortunately, I don't. So you'll just have to be patient and wait me out. Please.

Your friend no matter what,

~LMM

Dear CL,

I thought I loved you. I thought you were perfect for me. I thought things would be happily ever after. So I said yes when you asked me to go out with you. But then it was so much worse than I ever expected. Nothing is right. I can't talk to you about anything without feeling inferior. I can't express myself to you like I can to every other person I talk to, I even feel more comfortable talking to complete strangers and my worst enemies than I do talking to you. I wish I knew how to break up with you without making it hurt. I wish I could tell you the truth without sounding like a horrible person. But there's no easy way to say this. It's over. I'm sorry.

~SBCBW

Dear Dad,

I love you more than I could ever tell you or show you in this lifetime. You mean more to me than words can ever describe. I love you so much, you mean everything to me. You are the perfect person, the best dad in the world. I brag to my friends, I tell them all that you are the best dad a girl could ever ask for. I'm sorry if I ever caused you trouble. I'm sorry that I haven't been the best daughter that I could be. But I love you. You suffered a massive heart attack and literally died, and asked Jesus to come back so you could raise your two daughters. Dad, you gave up heaven for us, and I don't think that anybody else on earth has that grace and kindness.

Daddy, I love you so much. It scares me when you have to go to the hospital. It scares me when you try to still do as much as you can for everybody else, and that you still always put others before yourself. I know that you could go at any time now, nothing is guarenteed. I know that you aren't in full health, far from it. I know, even though you try to hide it from us girls, hide the fact that you are sick, you wouldn't want us to worry about you. But we do. I love you dad, and no matter what happens, I will never meet a better person than you. You mean the world to me, and I love you.

~Your baby girl

Dear Mom,

I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm not my sister and that I can never please you. I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you hoped I'd be. I'm sorry that you wish I could talk to you but every time you do, it ends up in a yelling match because you wouldn't listen to me. I know that you work hard to bring us money. I know you do a lot of things around the house. But you don't have to be angry all the time. You don't have to take your anger out on us girls and dad. You don't have to, but you do. We're never quite good enough for you. No matter what we do, you are always demanding more. I'm sorry that I can't be who you want me to be. Maybe someday you will accept me for who I am and finally love me. Maybe.

~Your Daughter

Dear everyone who I left out which at this point is about 3,

I wish I knew everything. I wish I knew the secrets of the world, the key to happiness, how to make somebody love you back, and how to make men stop and ask for directions. I wish I could tell the world everything and make everybody have a happy life. I wish I knew what to say in this letter, I wish I could spout out some wisdomly advice, but I don't have any. I just want to let everybody know, you aren't the only one who suffers. I have felt this way many times, felt like I'm the only miserable person, felt like I have no purpose, felt like I don't matter. But I'm beginning to see that it's not true. And I beg you to realise the same thing. I love you all, and I hope you have a great and wonderful, fulfulling life.

~SM

Dear Me,

I don't know what to tell you. You've made it this far. You're almost 16 years old now, and you're beginning to develop a personality. You have mostly wonderful parents, and you are a beautiful young person, even if you don't believe it. Somebody loves you. You will find the right guy for you, most likely NOT someone from the small town you live in now. You are a wonderful person. You have a natural talent for poetry and writing, you love the Lord, and you try to be nice to everybody. I know you can go far, if you try. You can achieve your dreams. Somebody loves you.

I'm sorry I haven't been the best to you, I'm sorry I've treated you bad and called you fat and ugly and probably a whole bunch of other demeaning things. I'm sorry I hated you for a long time. I'm sorry I stuck your heart out there so many times only to get battered and bruised by yet another jerk. I'm sorry I play mind games with you. I'm sorry I haven't been totally 100% honest to other people about you. I'm sorry I haven't treated you right, and I'm sorry that you have a disease. It's treatable though, you'll get through everything with God's help.

Dear me, whenever you feel down, come and read this letter. You will feel better. I promise.

Love until the end,

~Me

And...they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

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