Wow, that was strange.
10:56 p.m.

Joy,

This month is a month of remembrance.. and seeing you last night made me remember so many things. If you ever come across this letter, and it hurts you - the things that I say, and I seem to be a friend who does not care - don't hate me.

It was so weird seeing you last night. I had heard some stuff about you.. how you were doing and such. You have a son. I missed a whole period of nine months when I could have been there for you, when you might have needed me. But I was gone long before there was ever to be a baby on the way.

I remember being in your room when you started packing things up and getting ready to move to his house. I remember you telling me all of these things about your mom.. your birth mom and your adopted mom. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember you graduated. I had your grad picture for a long time.. a couple of years ago, I found it on top of the fridge and threw it out. I felt abandoned and useless because you moved in with him, knowing how much I hated him. I was always so much younger.

And now I go to your school, and I haven't bothered looking for your picture on the wall anywhere.

Last night after I ran the slolom with Shay, we went to your house - it was the last house we went to.. and your mom offered me a chair because I had a bagful of ferrets.. and then I never heard you coming in or anything, I just turned around, knowing you were there.. somehow.. and I wanted to cry when I saw you.

You let yourself get so big. So fat. Now, I'm the last person to talk about being fat, I weigh 250lbs of blubber and farm muscle.. and I'm 6'2''.. you were always about 5' tall and.. man. I can understand it getting hard to take off weight after the baby but.. man. Joy, I feel so bad for you.

And you were all quiet, and I didn't want to seem pompous and self righteous, but I wondered what you thought of me then.

I wondered what you thought now that *I* am in grade 12. And I wonder what it feels like to be in different positions. Do you think that I'm sucessful and popular and going places? And do you feel bad because now you've moved out of his house, and you have a baby, and do you feel like your life is thrown away? Do you think that I'm going places? Are you jealous? Do you believe me that I'm going to come visit you?

I'm going to come visit you. And I'm going to help you. You're gonna get somewhere and I'm going to push and prod you until you do it. You're the one who taught me everything about sex.. you showed me my first dirty magazine.. ha.. you shared my same cheesy early 90's music fetishes. I always identified with you.. and we always laughed until someone threatened to pee their pants.. and we played cards with your 'drunk' cards, and sometimes we would walk to the cemetary near your house to visit my gramma's grave. You helped me grow up a lot when I was little. You know what? I'm going to help you grow up. I'm going to help you get up and DO something, lose some of that weight.. you look so unhappy babe.. I miss you and I miss our friendship, and I'm going to fix it. I promise.

Aboutagirl-

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