tracy
10:46 a.m.

i don't know how to write to you how much you hurt me, and i know it's stupid, because you barely did anything to me, but i consider it some sort of awakening, that not everything is perfect, not everyone you want to love you will.

you were my friend, and the way you acted about what happened was completely hurtful, like you didn't care. i don't care that you tell me now you were crying all those nights, don't you think i was? i don't care that you tell me that you really missed me, that you were really sorry that we lost our friendship, that you don't know how this could have happened, etc, etc, because you sure didn't show it when you knew i was upset -- when you knew how bad you made me feel. you didn't even say anything to me, you didn't even approach me. so you were either cowardly or not sorry enough - and i think it was both. because if you were sorry enough - you wouldn't be so cowardly.

and i'll always have this complex about you because of it - i know that - i'll always remember this. and every time you talk to me or every time he talks to me, i remember it, i can't get it out of my head. and i can't believe it's been eight months already, i can't believe eight months has gone by without you being my best friend. and i won't romanticise the best friend bit - we were, but i know we had our problems - but it was better than not being friends at all.

i hate how you make me feel, i hate that it is always me who makes the move to be friends again, i hate how you're happier than me, prettier than me, smarter than me, going to earn more money than me when we get out of uni, going to find better boyfriends, going to have nicer, prettier kids, going to have more friends than me, always. i hate how you're better than me, and i hate how you screwed me over. i would NEVER have done that to you. i would NEVER have done that.

i hate how you did and you fucked me over so badly.

i hate how i still feel so terrible about it, and how every now and then i get that maybe i AM wrong feeling because i know i am right and you just make me feel wrong.

i hate how i was friends with you - because you hurt me.

but i don't hate you, and i hate that i don't hate you, and i wish i did. fuck, i wish i did.

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