Why?
12:10 a.m.

Why did you do this? I feel so selfish even thinking that, but why? I know I sort of left you for your best friend. But we'd been on two dates. Two. It wasn't like I slept with you.

Then you give me this cd. Totally innocent, Or is it? I don't even know where to start thinking. All of the sudden I am questioning everything I thought I knew about the way I feel about you and the way I feel about him. You've tried so hard to make me realize exactly what you feel for me, and you were finally able to do it. The thing is, now I don't know what I feel anymore. There was this Adam Richman song, Everything You Need, on the cd which really made me think. I mean, look at these words.

I swear I shouldn't say it

but fine now

admitting that it always comes back to you

and getting over where we left off wouldn't do

I'd spend these years wondering

who I'm meant to be

it's not to say that you change me

but I guess that that's a given

if you were around, all things forgiven

I'd give you everything that you need

uncertainty is nothing next

to romantic tendencies and fallacies

faking myself out once again

could make real sense of the shit we've seen

How am I supposed to react to that? You have been there for me through everything, which just makes it worse. I want to want you, because I know you would do anything you could for me. But I don't know if that's what I want.

And it's not just that. I'm sleeping with him, did you know that? I didn't want you to, but sooner or later it's going to come out. I knew you would be disappointed in me. But you should know that he never pressured me. I wanted it, I initiated it, I took his virginity and he took mine. For a long time I didn't regret it, and I don't really now, either. I just wonder if you'll ever look at me with the same eyes, if in doing that I have destroyed the picture you have of me in your head.

But that's another problem. I am not that girl. I have some talents and I'm ok looking, but I'm not gorgeous. I'm not brilliant. I really wonder what girl you talk about when you talk about me, because she is not someone I recognize or identify with.

I need to conclude this I guess, so here goes. I want to talk about this with you, but I'm scared. My fear is twofold. One, I don't want to lead you on any more than I already have. I know I abuse your good nature all too often and I don't want to break your heart (if I am indeed capable of that) again. Second, the two of us aren't the only ones who have to deal with this. The other guy-your best friend, my boyfriend-he's not as strong as you are. There's a part of me that likes being his stability, his savior, if you will. I'm afraid that leaving him would destroy him. Maybe I overestimate how much I mean to him, but somehow I don't think I do.

So here's the deal. I have no idea if you read this. If you do, please tell me. Let's deal with it. I want to, but I'm scared. There's so much at stake. And if you don't... I guess that will be my sign that it wasn't meant to be.

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