Can't live without you
5:52 p.m.

I miss you. Oh god I miss you.

I miss all the little things we used to do. How we could laugh at ourselves and life together. Or how we could take everything too seriously. How the world was against us, but we had each other. I only needed you. You were my best friend. Why didn't you understand that? Why would you just let our friendship end like that? And not accept my apologies. Or take responsibility for what you did.

We were in it together. Till the end. That's what I thought. Best friends. Forever. Everyone else...I couldn't care less about them. You were the one I wouldn't be able to live without.

Well that's what I thought. But here I am, living...without you. I'm pretending to be happy. To be better off without you.

I'm not.

I find the little things you gave me, the things you taught me, the things we did together, the places we went. And I think of you. And me. I think of us. I can't play my songs on my guitar anymore, because I think about you playing it. I sit down with the intention of teaching myself a new chord, but I open the book and here comes a flashback. And I find myself a few months ago, scrawling down chords in a notebook with you. And I realize I'll never be able to do that again.

Sure, I gave you a lot of crap. My problems, my worries, my fears. But you did the same to me. We were each others vent. I mean, you were hard to handle. You kept trying to kill yourself, talking about it, telling me about all the times you had tried. Sure I talked about it too. But I knew I wouldn't. I told you those things to act like I could relate. I couldn't though. I wouldn't kill myself. You kept me alive. You were my reason to live. I know it's greedy but I couldn't understand why I wasn't yours. Why you would be willing to kill yourself when I was still alive.

Then I found out what you had really thought of me. All this time. The hate, the rude names. How could you have thought that? You were always my best friend. I loved you more than anything.

I can't live without you.

~M

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