You're A God
1:16 p.m.

Dear ____,

You Know.

I never intended for you to find out, but I'm not sorry that you did, and I'm grateful to Dad for telling you. I'm not sure that you fully understand... in fact, I know you don't, because even I don't fully understand. But you have an idea, and that's what matters, I guess.

Maybe everything does happen for a reason. I actually noticed that night at the club that the CD you gave my dad was the single and not your actual album, but something kept me from saying anything about it. I was kicking myself for that for a little while afterwards, but now I realize that if I had traded the single for the album that night, Dad never would've stopped by to trade it after I had already come back to school, you never would've talked to him, and you wouldn't Know.

He called me the next day and told me a bit about the conversation you guys had. I still smile every time I think of the way he said It. "I've gotta tell you something that I think you should know. Steph thinks Bono is god, and to her, you're just one step below Bono." Nicely put, I have to say. Actually, in some ways you've got it over Bono. I know you, for one thing. I've never met Bono, and my respect for him is based on his music alone. You I respect for so much more than just your music, (though that, too, gets as much play time as U2 in my stereo). And for all that I'm sure Bono is a wonderful human being, I know that you are; I've witnessed it many times.

But I digress. Dad told me that you were surprised to hear that. My outward reaction was 'no kidding.' My inward reaction, however, was relief. I've been doing my best to hide it for all this time. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. I know part of it was that I didn't want you to think I was just sucking up - you are my boss, after all, and humble enough to not think it genuine.

But, more than what he told you, I've been thinking about what he says you told him. Now, I don't doubt, per se, that you said - basically - what he told me you said, but I do wonder how much of it was the exaggeration of a proud father. And I wonder if you said any of it just because, well, he's my father. It's not like you'd go up to him and say that I sucked and you hope you never see me again in your entire life.

I want it to be true. My god, I want to believe it. That's all I ever wanted; just to have some importance in your life. Why? Again, your guess is as good as mine. That's never happened to me before, and I don't pretend to understand it.

But I can't believe it, as much as I want to. He said you were "impressed" by me. What did I ever do to impress anybody? Nothing that I recall.

I'm trying not to rely too much on words, especially words that I wasn't around to hear. I know you never really cared for M___, and I was always afraid I fell into that category, too, and that you were just too polite to say it. So I started paying attention. I needed to know that you didn't wish I would just go away. You showed me that wasn't the case. A hand on the shoulder, you being the first one to extend your hand for a handshake, asking me to stop by again before Christmas, tapping my back with the pen as you walked by... little things that you probably haven't thought about twice and probably don't even remember doing, but they mean more to me than you can ever imagine. They tell me that you don't wish I would just go away, and while I may never reach the level of actually being important to you, at least I have that.

I don't know how to begin to thank you for everything you've done for me. Just saying "thank you" doesn't cut it, because you don't know half of what I'm thanking you for. Even I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I'm a better person for knowing you, if only because I work harder and go to greater lengths in an effort to make you proud of me. You're an amazing person. Even Dad saw that in the short amount of time that he talked to you. I feel incredibly lucky to have been given the priviledge of knowing you.

Thanks for being you.

~Steph

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