a thousand miles
1:14 a.m.

you shallow son of a bitch.

i will never regain all the time i wasted wanting you back. i can't believe i ever felt this way about you. you showed me the deepest sides of yourself that people don't get to see that often. but when i didn't meet your expectations, when there was a wrinkle in your perfection, you dropped me!!! instead of working things out, you just cast me aside.

i admit that i might not have approached the situation as well as i should have, and i admit that i probably deserve at least a little of the treatment i got from you. but to just cast me aside the way you did? YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!!! i can't believe i convinced myself that i was IN LOVE WITH YOU. how could i possibly ever love someone as shallow as you? you have so many expectations. you wanted me to be like everyone else so you could write about me on your stupid website or say to everyone, "hey! my friend helped me write this movie and he is so and so and so." nooo...you couldn't stand it when i deviated from your perfect little world! BE A MAN, you said to me. HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO BE A MAN!!! i am not your father, you asshole! I AM A MAN!!! YOU, on the other hand, have no backbone. when the going got tough for us YOU GOT GOING!! you just LEFT me!!!!!

even if i had never professed my love for you, i know that you would have someway somehow found a reason not to want to be my friend anymore BECAUSE YOU ARE THAT SHALLOW. you would have found a quirk about me that you didn't like and you would have tried to make me different! YOU LIED TO ME!!! you made me believe that i could be myself around you...YOU EVEN TOLD ME TO BE MYSELF AROUND YOU. BUT I COULDN'T. I ALWAYS FELT YOU HAD CERTAIN GODDAMNED EXPECTATIONS ABOUT ME. I ALWAYS FELT THAT I COULD NEVER BE A PAT OR A SAM OR A CALVIN AROUND YOU. i was always me, and that never felt like enough.

and then i started feeling those things and i didn't want to feel those things. but then we spent more time together and NO, it's not that YOU did something to "lead" me on. it's just that you had all these characteristics, this way about you that both came together to form the kind of person i wanted to love. and it didn't matter who you were. love doesn't have names or faces or an identity!!! it is what it is! THE HEART IS IT'S OWN BEING, SELFLESS AND PURE. and you dissed me because the person who happened to love you was me. you couldn't deal with that. you couldn't see past this outside of me, this person that God made. the love didn't matter. the meaning you had to me didn't matter. YOU SELFISH, STUPID BASTARD --- all that mattered was that YOU FELT SOOO UNCOMFORTABLE that you had to get rid of me.

now here i am, one year and nearly two months after the madness began. it has taken me this long to get over you!!! and now i'm finally starting to realize what a waste of time it all was. not because i spent all that time wanting someone i could never have, but because i actually made myself believe i could love YOU. YOU, so shallow. you use your films to pretend that you are SOOO deep when it's all an illusion, which is perfect for your kind: Southern California, Hollywood types. you people should just stay in SoCal AND NEVER COME TO NORCAL, ESPECIALLY SAN FRANCISCO!!!! GET OUT!!!! WE'RE MORE GODDAMNED SOPHISTICATED THAN YOU IDIOTS DOWN THERE WILL EVER BE!!!!!! because of you i HATE SOCAL AND EVERYTHING EVER ASSOCIATED WITH IT. YOU HAVE GIVEN SOCAL A VERY VERY BAD RAP, WORSE THAN OJ AND EVERY OTHER HAIR-GELLED ASIAN PERSON COMBINED!!!! you can't even write!!! i remember when you told me that you used to go to TUTORING for your writing. TUTORING --- IN YOUR SECOND YEAR OF COLLEGE!!!! ANYBODY CAN WRITE!!! math equations are hard because you have to remember formulas and it's all so definitive. X plus Y equals Z. but writing is SOOO ABSTRACT. yet you couldn't even do it! how did you ever make it here in San Francisco? i know --- BY BEING FAKE. i come along to penetrate that fakeness with a little REALITY, A LITTLE EMOTION, and POP --- your bubble bursts. you get scared and tell ME to run away. so i did. i ran away to make YOU HAPPY.

but here i am, one year and almost two months later. even though a lot of time has gone by, i can tell you this: yes, i admit that in all the times i wrote and said that i was doing better trying to get over you, I WAS ONLY TELLING A HALF-TRUTH. because every night i would go to bed and PRAY FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO ME IN SOME WAY, SHAPE, AND FORM. most of all, i wanted you back as a friend. i was even willing to put aside my love and pretend NOT to love you just so there wouldn't be this alienation between us anymore. the hope i placed in your return has long ago been stretched far beyond it's limit. i made it last this long and tonight it has finally worn off.

i am done with you. i won't give you a second thought. i'll take you off my buddy list and i won't even go to your nice new website anymore. i don't care if you've already done these things to me, which you probably have. tonight i'm finally making the choice to say SCREW YOU and just forget about you. tonight i've truly realized just how pathetic and shallow you are.

my love was real and pure, Mister Hotshot Filmmaker. and you missed it by a thousand miles.

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