5:12 p.m.

I wish so hard to be everything you need and I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I can't be. You need somebody right now and I can't be that somebody, not the somebody you need. I can't be there all the time. I want to be...but how can I be? I've thought and thought about it and there are no answers. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you. I can't do enough anymore. I'm not enough anymore. I'm trying and trying, but I'm trying to keep my head too. I have to keep my head. And my head's confused. And I think I should leave you be for awhile, but the thought of doing that hurts me and I know it'll hurt you. I guess I thought it would be all perfect and it hasn't been. It was, but things are getting complicated. They're getting to be too much. Not too much, those are the wrong words. I just don't know what to do and I wish I did. I wish I could understand more because maybe then I could help you more. I think I'm losing reality. I think I'm depending on too much on this net stuff and maybe that's a bad thing. But the thought of leaving it just for a little while is too frightening, too odd, too hard to do. I think I need to understand my feelings more. But, it's hard to figure out if it's real. And, I keep thinking what if it's not real? I hadn't let myself think of that for so long and now I am and the thought of it is heartbreaking and if it were true, I don't know what I would do. It's hard to keep faith from day to day. It's hard not to let nasty thoughts feed into your brain or to wonder if maybe it'd be easier to let things go. But it wouldn't be easier. How long can I keep clinging to a bear and hope though? I can't make you keep promising to not disappoint me. I don't know what I'm hoping for anymore anyway. I don't know if I'm hoping in vain. My words aren't enough anymore and there's nothing I can do. I'm not enough anymore. I've never been enough for anyone really. It shouldn't surprise me that I've become less than enough. And, I'm trying all I can to be there for you, but you always put me first. Besides, I can't give you what you need. I guess I'm losing hope that we could make it through whatever we had to make it through. You can't go on like this. And, I want to push you to find someone else who can give you everything you need and deserve but I don't know how to do that. I don't even know if you'd listen to me. Or maybe, what frightens me more is that you would listen to me. I can't figure out what to do, what makes it best for you and me. And, the only thing that seems best seems impossible right now. You're going to read this, and I don't know if you even understood it and I didn't want to put this on you because you have so much weight on you already but I don't know what else to do and I think I need your help but I don't want you lying to me either. I don't want you pretending for me or clinging on to something because...because you feel obligated to.

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