Explaination
11:26 p.m.

Part of me knows that it's ok to be who I am.

To be like I am.

Actually, all of ME knows it's ok. But I don't think other people think it's ok. I want to change. I don't want to change like this, but it's the easiest way. And I'm just so damn lazy. I can't be strong and follow all those rules and guidelines it takes to do this any other way.

I think it's ok to be how I am. It's not desired, but it's not bad. But ever since Thursday I've felt inferior. And with good reason. Why shouldn't I feel inferior? I have no reason to feel good about myself. Being rejected while others take places I should have had a chance at does nothing good for my ego. Or self-esteem.

This is how I cope with rejection.

It is ugly.

It makes me ugly.

I am ugly.

I can't stop because I have no more self-esteem to lose. I really don't. Every time I lose a bit of self-esteem, I set up a cycle. Each tear I shed over it makes me weaker, and I hate the weakness. But the weakness is me, thus, I hate myself a little bit more. A little more self-hate added to the already full and overflowing pot of self-hate. So...

So I start to feel fat.

I feel fat.

I am fat.

Is that enough explanation for you?

Do you see now, why I do this?

It's not a cry for help. Well, in a way. But it's more of a release. And a boost for my self-esteem.

A boost that leads to an incredible drop afterwards because of the guilt and disappointment in myself.

It's temporary relief. Like pepto bismol.

Or cigarettes.

~Me

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