Daddy, let go of us.
10:36 p.m.

All I want is for you to die. Why haven't you left yet? The better question might be why did you have to leave? I know cancer took you away from me, from us, and you know I've never blamed you before, just that once, and for good reason. And I know you don't want to die, just like I know that you didn't want cancer to rob you of your life. But when it spread to your bones, and we made the godaweful decision to not treat it, just to let you go, I knew it wouldn't be long. And I accpted it.

I keep telling you to Let Go. You know how terrified I am that you'll die when I'm not home. You've been dying for 2 years now, Dad. Please just let go. It's killing Mom and Hannah and I. You don't know how hard it is to take care of you, every day. Mom's already given up being with her children, me and nana, and now I've given up my bed, so I can help lift you at night. Did you know that I sleep in a chair now? Did you know that I cry myself to sleep, everynight, because I just can't see how to go on, with or without you. I love you so much,Daddy, but you're not supposed to die when I'm 16. You're supposed to die when you're 100, not 50. After you've had grandchildren, after you've seen me graduate high school, after you walk me down the aisle. God, it's not fair.

I have to sit here, watch you die, carry you to the bathroom, feed you dinner. And you're too sick to realize any of this. You don't know, but I always will. I told you that I loved you yesterday. Did you know that? I thought that you knew I was there, but then when you answered, you said 'I love you Dad'. Just like a parrot. You just repeated what you heard me say. I know you love me though. That's why I'm going to miss you so much when you die. It's going to hurt, and I'm never going to forget it. I'll always remember it, forever. So why, do you ask, I keep telling you do die? Because, deep down, I know that it hurts more to see you still here, when you're so ovbiously gone, so ovbiously not here for us, like Dads should be. It's not your fault, I know. But then who's is it?

I only want one thing, ever, ever again. For you to let go. But just know this: if I were given the chance to hug you one more time, hug the dad I had for the first 14 years of my life, and then I'd give up everything and die, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I would give the world and more to have you back again, but if all I get is one last hug, I'll take what I can get.

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