Halloween #2
2:21 p.m.

Dear C:

I never thought what happened on Thursday would have ever happened. Especially since you still have a girlfriend.

I knew I should not be in bed with you. I knew I shouldn't take me clothes off. But the intoxication of the evening, the naughtiness of Halloween overtook me.

Katie said she thinks there's more going on here then first meets the eye, "I saw how he kissed you Rachel. He wasn't kissing me like that."

Yesterday I was thinking about everything. I was thinking about how the 3 of us plan on experimenting further with this idea of 3. And then I thought I would have to be the first one to "bow out" because someone would end up getting hurt.

You heard me say, "I said I would never do this again." And it wasn't because the actual act bothers me--the emotions bother me. I have done this all before on more than one occassion. Neither of you have. Both of you think of this as new and exciting and I just think of this "once upon a time i used to be like this all the time."

I know I could fall in love with you. I know I could fall asleep in your arms every night. And I know eventually it will bother me to see you kissing her when we are all in bed together.

My body, my sex, wants to have you both.

My heart does not know if she can handle it.

And my irrational mind says, "I want you even if I have to share you."

I know it's bad when I don't even want to tell my therapist about it. I don't want to deal with the emotional/pyschological damage this will eventually inflict on us all.

I don't want to be responsible for that.

And still, I know, when the two of you find me tonight I will come to bed willingly.

~Protoplast

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