Wreckage and waste
9:23 a.m.

Dear everyone,

I have some things I need to get off my chest, so here goes.

a) I wish someone would touch me. I know I'm not exactly.. pleasant to look at.. I'm not skinny or little and I probably don't fit under the crook of someone's arm so easily, but I thrive on physical contact. This doesn't mean I want to have sex with someone right now (au contraire, I'm proud to be a seventeen year old virgin, even if it's not by choice but by circumstance), it just means that I want to be hugged, I want to have people playing with my hair - I just need to be touched. What's so wrong with that? I'm so jealous of girls who have friends that hug all over them and so on and so forth. I get really jealous when I see a couple hugging - I don't want the boy, I just want the hug. Am I crazy?

b) I'm really really scared of what next year holds for me. Talking about going to university or Katimavik or even just to live in an apartment with Salls and Aislinn is scarier than I ever thought imaginable. Being on my own. My daddy is going to cry. I'm going to cry - it's just going to be a big cry-fest. But at the same time, I'm really excited about it. I want to get out, I want to spread my wings and stop being oppressed by where I live. I want to meet people and meet people who love me despite my differences. It's not easy being the fat girl, you know.

c) I'm so lazy when it comes to my Christianity. I don't know how I possibly can be when I've seen how much God works in my life everyday. I'm still here aren't I? Sometimes I think He paints cowboy colored sunsets and sea-foam skies just for me. So many times I've been so faithless, so.. awful, and yet He still loves me, for every mistake I make there are ten thousand forgivenesses. It's called grace, and I need it. I want to get things in order with God before I go out on my own, because I know that if I don't, I never will - and I'll be torn somewhere between being a 'good girl', and wanting to do bad, but still feeling guilty for not being a hardcore Christian. I need you, I need you, I need you.. you're all I'm living for..

d) Yeah, I do want to have sex sometimes. I'm really horny. I'm also scared of the dark with the same sort of intensity. I'm seventeen years old - which of these is more normal?

e) I'm so scared of being alone. I was working at the camp last winter and I laid on my cot and couldn't hear anything because everyone was at the lodge, and I thought to myself "what if I'm the last person left on this miserable earth", and I cried. I hate being by myself.. it's scary. I'm afraid that my fear of being alone will have me get married to the first guy I get serious with and the same things that happened with Steven will happen again.. and I'll be trapped because my conscience will say "Divorce is bad, don't become a statistic" (because I've never been a statistic my entire life) I'm so scared of marrying the wrong man that sometimes I cry.

Ahh.. good to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening,

Sincerely,

'Bear

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